my home is in Him

I could say that it's partly because I miss the rain. Or because I know that the leaves are changing to crimson and gold. It could have to do with the fact that I am only partially adaptable, and stubborn as an ox. Maybe it's because I can't sit with my family, or my friends, and have coffee, and chat the afternoon away. But I think mostly it's just that life is still moving like it was before, but I'm not there to be part of it.

This past week was the hardest. The newness had worn off and the vacation was over. Life was beginning to feel like it had back home, pretty much normal, except that I wasn't home. I don't drive, not because I can't, but because I haven't gotten up the courage yet. Everyday life here is slower, dirtier, and lonelier than the life I knew before. So, if you can imagine that kind of change, maybe you can begin to understand how I was feeling. It was tough because my flesh wanted so badly to be somewhere it couldn't be. My soul ached for home so much that I couldn't focus on anything else. I found myself in tears, many times, asking God, "why am I here, can't I go home now?" I felt frustrated, dark and I even started to question whether or not we were even supposed to be here. Some people think we aren't, so I got to thinking, maybe they're right. Maybe we jumped the gun and we never should've come in the first place. Maybe I would be happier if we left. But in all my self-centeredness I never once stopped to think that maybe my darkness was clouding others. I avoided the thought that perhaps my selfish desires might be keeping me from doing the work I was sent here to do. So when I finally stopped for a moment and let go of my selfish thoughts, my mind felt free, and God was right there to catch me in His grace and answer my prayers. I mean it, the minute I let go it seemed like a plan was formed allowing me to go home for a month. Nate had been planning a missions trip for him and the students which meant he would be gone for nearly three weeks, which wasn't helping my depressed state, especially since that three weeks coincided with Thanksgiving. So we decided that the girls and I would go home for that period of time. It was perfect! God is so good when we wait upon Him. I suppose one day I'll remember that in the midst of darker days.

Sigh.

So, in a nutshell, I am learning to walk in His love, to call Him home, to live in Him because my perception of home is nothing without Him. Because His love abounds, and His word is true. He set my eyes on a chapter that spoke volumes to my heart in this phase of my life, and I will not lose heart because He who raised up my Lord Jesus will also raise me up WITH Jesus. He will continue to renew our inner man daily, if we allow Him. Praise You Jesus. What an amazing God we serve, I'm speechless.

2 corinthians 4:7-18
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.